1 February 2002 (19 Shvat 5762)
As my university courses in English and Hebrew finished two weeks ago and this week respectively, I have a two-month spring vacation now until the beginning of the new academic year in April. I am supposed to be happy now that I have more free time for myself, but somehow I have a feeling of emptiness. This may be partly because all the energy I had been pouring into my teaching had to come to a sudden halt. The elementary and intermediate courses in Hebrew were especially successful this year in that I could enjoy teaching. I was also happy to hear from some of them that they enjoyed the course. But from next week I will not have this joy.
I was planning to visit Jerusalem for three weeks in March until the middle of Passover. I had reserved a round trip and secured accommodations at a B&B in Jerusalem, but this week I had to cancel this plan not for security reasons but simply because my economic condition has turned out to be worse than I calculated when I planned the trip. This seems to have added to the feeling of emptiness as I had planned the trip right after my last trip there in August and had been looking for it. My parents are, on the other hand, quite happy that I canceled this trip as they were concerned about the security in Jerusalem.
But the good thing is that I suddenly have an unexpected present of two months of free time now. These years I have little time for my own study. When I have a vacation, I travel either to Jerusalem or to my hometown; otherwise, I am busy teaching and preparing for it. Spending a lot of time, money and love, I have built a tailor-made library for my academic interests - probably the biggest private library in Hebrew and Jewish studies in my building - as I cannot rely on public and university libraries in Japan with a very limited number of books in these areas. So without this library I am gravely limited in my academic activities. Some of my colleagues in my age often tell me that I may have nothing to do after finishing my doctorate. On the contrary! Even if I restrict myself to Hebrew and Jewish linguistics, there are many areas of study I wanted to pursue further but had to postpone until after the dissertation. This unexpected present of time in February and March will be a precious chance to recharge myself intellectually.
8 February 2002 (26 Shvat 5762)
Is it justifiable to start something that can affect you in a significant way when you know in advance that you may have to put an abrupt end to it in several months in the middle of your deep involvement in it? This thorny question had been tormenting me for the past few months, until I decided to start that something this week with the consent of someone who would be equally affected.
Though I do not know yet whether this is morally justifiable, I feel I have made the right decision; actually it was inevitable as a good friend of mine told me. The agony is well compensated by the tremendous spiritual pleasure and satisfaction I experience now after the decision. These are the kind of pleasure and satisfaction whose existence I was beginning to forget.
Now I can appreciate time more, seeing every moment of my life as a precious gift bestowed to me for free. In this sense there may be no essential difference between a few months and, let's say, twenty years. We have to seize the moment as another good friend of mine told me, and life must be the countless repetition of this process.
15 February 2002 (3 Adar 5762)
When I made some fateful decision in December that might have a most profound effect on my later life, I was thinking naively that I would not be forced to make such a difficult decision again at least for some time to come. But life seems to be much more complicated than what we flesh and blood can imagine. Now I find myself at an even more difficult crossroad of my life. I am tormented by the thought that I may have to lose something precious to me in the near future all the more because it gives me such pleasure and satisfaction at the present moment.
Whether I may really lose it or not, and if so, when I will be forced to lose it depend first on some external factors that are beyond the control of myself and someone else who is equally involved in it, then on our later respective decisions after these external factors have become clear, and are even intertwined with the decision I made in December. So the whole issue is extremely complicated. I have come up with nine major possible scenarios of how things will be affected by these external and internal factors, and each scenario can have room for further multiple alternatives.
In one of these scenarios I may lose that something precious to me in two months, and the mere thought of it totally smashes my peace of mind. In some other scenarios I may not have to lose it, but even then we have some fundamental issues to solve to keep it as it is. Actually, it does not help me much to think it over as there are so many factors that do not depend on me personally. In the meanwhile I am trying to do my best to cherish every moment of happiness it gives to me.
22 February 2002 (10 Adar 5762)
This Monday seemed to me a kind of day of judgement because some important announcement was supposed to be made that would greatly affect the future of someone who has become so precious to me in the last few weeks. I waited nervously for her to let me know it, being unable to do anything else, as it could also decide whether she would be able to remain in my vicinity or not.
I read the announcement she had forwarded to me with a mixture of two opposing feelings. On the one hand, I was sorry because it was not what she had expected, but on the other hand, I was relieved to find that it would enable us to spend more time together, though I was a little bothered by my rather egocentric sentiments.
Now it is my turn to wait for some important notice, which may affect not only my life enormously but also whether I and she will be able to remain physically close to each other and continue to learn important lessons of life from each other by exchanging emotions, thoughts and opinions in face-to-face communication.